The Ref

Folks, I'd like to sing a song about the American Dream(Cause everyone else in the world is awake). About me. About you. The way our American hearts beat down in the bottom of our chests(When they need that triple bypass from too many super-sized fries). About the special feeling we get in the cockles of our hearts(that's the grease), maybe below the cockles, maybe in the sub-cockle area. Maybe in the liver(Tylenol and Aspirin rot your liver). Maybe in the kidneys(Advil rots your kidneys, but you've got two of them!). Maybe even in the colon(ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww), we don't know.

I'm just a regular Joe with a regular job(as opposed to the irregular jobs like professional hula-hooper)I'm your average white suburbanite slob (America?)
I like football(American football sucks) and porno(porno's okay) and books(who reads anymore?) about war(oh it's a picture book)
I've got an average house with a nice hardwood floor (which is nicer than the linoleum)
My wife and my job, my kids(which are in fact his real job) and my car (a minivan)My feet on my table, and a Cuban cigar(which you cannot get legally in the U S of Eh?)

But sometimes that just ain't enough to keep a man like me interested
(Oh no) No Way (Uh-uh)
No, I've gotta go out and have fun
At someone else's expense (most people find fun at others' expense, it's human nature. If you see someone go arse over tea kettle, do you laugh? YES! What is it was a mentally challenged person? You laugh on the inside! Everyone does it!)
(Oh yeah) Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

I drive really slow in the ultrafast lane (I hate slow drivers, they suck!)
While people behind me are going insane

I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, such an asshole)

I use public toilets and piss on the seat (Every guy has aiming problems, especially when drunk.)I walk around in the summertime saying, "How about this heat?" (DUH!!!!!)

I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole)

Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces (How long are you going to be in the store?)
While handicapped people make handicapped faces (Oh those kids!)

I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's a real fucking asshole)

Maybe I shouldn't be singing this song
Ranting and raving and carrying on
Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong (Yes, and no)
Naaaah!

I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole)

You know what I'm gonna do?(what?) I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac El Dorado convertible(NICE!), hot pink(GAY!) with whaleskin hub caps and all leather cow interior and big brown baby seal eyes for headlights(I hope those seals didn't come from the Canadian Ice flows! lol Where's Sir Paul "Senile" McCartney?), yeah! And I'm gonna drive around in that baby at 115mph getting one mile per gallon(He must be rich!), sucking down quarter pounder cheese burgers from McDonald's in the old-fashioned non-biodegradable styrofoam containers(which are okay, if we get off our asses and build the garbage rockets!) and when I'm done sucking down those grease ball burgers, I'm gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag(well at least it's good for something) and then I'm gonna toss the styrofoam container right out the side and there ain't a God damned thing anybody can do about it(That's not true! Some Hippie could Pick It Up!). You know why? Because we got the bombs(the ultimate fallic symbol next to the CN Tower), that's why.

Two words. Nuclear fucking weapons(Which were sold to Iraq right?), okay?! Russia, Germany, Romania - they can have all the Democracy they want(HA! Democracy!). They can have a big democracy cake-walk right through the middle of Tiananmen square and it won't make a lick of difference because we've got the bombs, okay?! John Wayne's not dead - he's frozen(just like Walt Disney!). And as soon as we find the cure for cancer(it already exists, but that would keep the population growing faster. OOOOOHHHHHH Conspiracy!) we're gonna thaw out the duke and he's gonna be pretty pissed off. You know why?(Why?) Have you ever taken a cold shower?(Yes!) Well multiple that by 15-million times, that's how pissed off the Duke's gonna be (Really?). I'm gonna get the Duke and John Cassavetes...(UMMMMM WHO?)
(Hey)
and Lee Marvin (WHO?)
(Hey)
and Sam Pekinpah (WHO? why not Regis Philbin? Right, cause that would mean the apocalypse!)
(Hey)
And a case of Whiskey and drive down to Texas...(God Bless Texas!)
(Hey, you know you really are an asshole)
Why don't you just shut-up and sing the song pal!

I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole)

A-S-S-H-O-L-E Everybody! A-S-S-H-O-L-E (Wow they can spell!)

Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf
Fung achng tum a fung tum a fling chum (Ummmmm, is that German?)
Oooh Oooh

I'm an asshole and proud of it! (Well it's good to have something you're good at!)


Don't get me wrong , I love Dennis Leary, and this song, I was just having some fun. Making fun of people is something each and every one of us has done at some point in our lives. Do we do it in jest, or to be mean? Well that's a question we must ask ourselves. My credo is: If I poke fun at you, it means I like you. I wouldn't even talk to someone I don't like. I don't want to have anything to do with those people. "Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words can never hurt you." This very old adage is one of the biggest pieces of SHIT I have ever heard! Words hurt. When kids say bad things about you or to you, it can lead you down a path to self-doubt, low self-esteem, and a general feeling of worthlessness. I was a victim of this in my youth. Now I am the one who takes the first jab, BUT it is not meant to be hurtful, as words are in schoolyards; it is meant in jest. If something I ever say hurts someone's feelings, I would immediately apologize, and ask for forgiveness. This happens to us all. We poke fun at someone meaning no harm, and it turns out they take it badly, more oft than not, due to our own ignorance. We all do it, and maybe we should take more care in what we say to, and about others. Maybe, just maybe, we can laugh at ourselves. There is no better way out of a situation like that than LAUGHTER! SO LAUGH WORLD!! LAUGH!!!!!!
And that's my rant, be Excellent to each other, and Party On Dudes!